


Have You?

by Monochromehobo



Category: Z Nation (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Mentions of Red - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-17 21:57:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16982529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monochromehobo/pseuds/Monochromehobo
Summary: Sarge loves 10k, but he can't get over his feelings for Red.





	Have You?

**Author's Note:**

> A quick and angsty drabble cross posted on tumblr.

Sarge dug her heels into the ground kicking up clumps of dirt as she leaned back on the truck. “So do you think Murphy will ever grow up and be able to have a good relationship with Lucy?”

“No. I don’t think so; to the growing up part that is. That’s just his personality,” 10k scrunched up his nose, “But I do think that that he will keep trying to have a relationship with Lucy, good or otherwise. I think she’s the only thing he comes remotely close to loving, besides himself that is.” 10k let out a little chuckle at the thought of Murphy loving anything other than himself. 

“Have you loved anyone like that?” Sarge shrugged pushing, herself upright, “To the point where you just keep trying even though they’re clearly not having it?” She nodded in the direction of Murphy, where he was actively scooting closer to his daughter as she got up to sit next to Warren instead. 

“No, I don’t think so. My Pa always said ‘If you love someone let them go,’ and then something about them coming back that I can never remember,” He said, forehead wrinkling in concentration.

“Have you ever loved anyone in general?” Sarge asked, treading carefully on the subject. Since she and 10k had started a relationship of sorts she always felt like she was walking on thin ice, dancing around the topic of defining what it is they had between them.

“My Pa.”

“No, I mean somebody who’s not your family.”

“Oh- like Doc and Warren. I love them like you did with Lt. Mueller. I love Red... but in a different way. It’s hard to define, just the thought of never seeing her again makes it hard for me to breathe,” 10k shook his head, looking over at sarge through his eyelashes. “What about you?” he brushed Sarge’s hand, rubbing his thumb over top of it as he clasped her hand between his. 

“I mean you know, Lt. Mueller was like my father. He and the others took care of me when my parents never came back. I will never be able to repay them. I have no greater love or respect than I do for them. But,” She took a shaky breath, looking down at 10k’s hand, “I think I love you, too. You’ve had my back since the day we met each other. And our little... thing, it’s given me hope. Hope in something other than security and safety.”

10k sighed, pressing a small kiss to the back of her hand. He sat in silence, head bowed, staring at the ground for minutes, though it felt like an eternity before Sarge finally broke the awkward silence. 

“Are you gonna say something?”

“I,” He paused to think for a moment, “I think I could love you.”

“But?” Sarge asked, deep down she already knew the answer.

“But deep down I don’t think I want to try to love you. I don’t want to replace Red. I don’t want to hurt her like that. And I think we both know this was just supposed to to be a physical thing. A survival thing. I don’t ever want feel that pain that I feel right now. That pain of waking up every morning knowing you’ll probably never see them again. I can’t deal with that,” 10k saw the look of hurt on Sarge’s face and tried to switch his tactic, “Besides, the way I feel about you is different than the way I feel about her-”

“Yeah the difference is I’m just filler. Something to do until you ‘get your girl back’. She’s probably dead 10k. And if she is alive I’m sure she would understand you falling in love with someone better than you just screwing the nearest girl to ‘survive’.” sarge finished with a scoff.

“Sarge, I’m sorry, but I just don’t think I can love you the way you want me to. It’s never just been about sex for me. I rely on you and you rely on me. I care so much about you, and I wish I could love you like that. I really wish I could.”

>>>>

 

Some days 10k wished he would have just lied. It would have been so easy to just say he loved her. It’s not far from the truth, but to tell he did would have been a lie. And she deserved better. She deserved someone who could love her fully, without reservation. But they still kept on with their little fling. 

And it killed 10k every time he saw that little flash of doubt and hurt in her eyes, knowing that he put that there. And he would always feel terrible that he missed his chance to tell her he loved her. Because he did. He had his chances, every time he kissed her he considered it. Every time they sat snuggled up after having sex he considered it. And every time they held hands, and he heard her laugh, he considered it then especially. But he never did say it. Always too afraid of hurting himself and her to get around to it. And by the time he did get around to it she was sliding from his hand, pulling the pin on a grenade. He always wondered if she knew; always regretted not just saying it that night when she told him she loved him.


End file.
